I was seventeen, five months away from my high school graduation, and about to enter the room that I’d been preparing for ever so passionately since I entered middle school. As I opened my mouth and began to sing, my heart sank. I didn’t recognize the sound coming out of my mouth – where did my voice go? The classical French piece was a train wreck, my country number a mess, and the ballad was beyond mediocre. I could barely hold a note, and the room was spinning as the years of abuse I’d put my body through finally caught up to me. I left the audition room and fell to the floor in one of the music building’s bathrooms, exhausted and devastated. I knew without a doubt that my dream was over, and there wasn’t anything I could do. I had been working to get into the music program at my dream school (in my dream city) since I was eleven years old, but I destroyed my chance. For the next few months, I was completely numb, and it took another extreme intervention from the Lord to wake me up.
It always astounds me how God loves to bring things full circle for His glory and our good. I’m typing this blog while sitting on my patio in my beautiful new apartment (whose floor plan just happens to be the name of the college I spoke of above) in the city I dreamed of living in since I could talk. Next week, I begin my new job at the ministry that I wanted to work for since I was 16 – the ministry that one of my high school mentors told me about during a pretty intense time in my life. When I was seventeen, I came to this city completely broken and starving, literally and spiritually; now, at twenty-three, my heart and my stomach are full, and I’m speechless because of who He is.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” [ROM. 8:28]
God is in the business of taking the ashes of our dreams that were decimated by disappointment, and creating a tapestry of beauty – if we’re willing to let Him have control. Like so many others, I love this verse in Romans. We are quick to give in and relinquish control to the things that bind us. We see what’s right in front of us and act based on what our present surroundings entail rather than going to the One who sees the whole picture. When we are willing to say, “I don’t understand what’s in front of me, but I know that You are good and You are working beyond what my eyes can see,” then we are choosing freedom and we can know without a shadow of a doubt that we are in good hands.
Trust in Him. It’s become such a cliche Christian phrase, but I believe it is the hardest, most liberating thing that a person can do. Standing on the other side of this mountain, finally having that “aha moment”, where everything from the past several years makes sense, I urge you to press on. This, too, shall be used for His greater purpose.